Conversation with a client...

Me: So, client, I bet you are really looking forward to your vacation next week.

Client: Yeah, yeah. Goin' be great. Baby girl gonna swim in the ocean. Mmm. We goin' have a big time.

Me: Sounds lovely. Which beach are you headed to?

Client: Oh, we goin' up there to Virginia. (read: vo-gin-ya) Then, baby girl want to see the capital. I love baby girl to see the White House up in Wisconsin D.C.

Me: WTF???!!!!

Note to self: practice not laughing by biting hole in side of cheek...

Back to Life...

...back to reality, back to the here and now... name that tune

OK, Coach's vaca is officially over, which means life in the casa de chaos is returning to normal at 0700 hours on Monday. It was a fun ride, really...but it's a once a year deal and that ship has sailed. See you in mid-December Coach. Send me a text from the road when you get a break between innings. Seriously though, Coach did score a new car this week, generously donated by a booster of the University. Sure beats buying one. Have to work out the insurance and all that mess this week, but hey, I didn't have anything planned, right? Just FOUR closings and 84,000 loads of laundry. Bring it.

Got to say, I was at Target one night this week just before closing (yeah, I know I am a dork. get over yourself, you are too) and I saw the sch-weetest couple. They were each pushing 350 lbs and arm in arm as they left the store. I am guessing when I estimate that between the two of them they may have had 11 teeth, but don't quote me. She was smoking and he was dipping. Lovely, really. And he had on the nicest shirt. Navy blue tee shirt that said....










I Love Hot Moms.


Yeah, me too Bubba. Now move along.

See you all in the morning.

Re-Entry is a Bitch

Picked up the minis on Saturday, spent the night in KY with my parents and headed back to "the ATL" on Sunday. Both the boys cried quite a bit to leave Granny Camp, and have requested a calendar to countdown the days until they can go again....me too. Only 364 days! Hoo-hoo! I think we'll enroll them in Winter camp too...is that available Granny and Papa? Praise God Ryan and Jack are the only grandbabies so far, I am sooo not into sharing.

As soon as we got home last night, I had to run over to a clients and present an offer to them, so Coach took them swimming. Need I mention that I SPECIFICALLY told him NOT to take tham swimming? I guess he doesn't speak English anymore...suppose I should start beating him again. I think he was so happy to see them he would have taken them to a strip club if they had asked to go. Note to self: why is he never that happy to see me after a trip?!

Anyway, I am off to prepare for the onslaught of little boys, I am watching 2 of the boys' friends today. Lucky for me, Coach is on vacation this week so he will be here also...not so lucky for him I suppose.

OK, so I have completely neglected all of you. I haven't posted in days, can you possibly forgive me? Can we still be friends?

I have been relishing these child free days, in fact today I awoke at 10:30 am, and rolled over and WENT BACK TO SLEEP. No children, no Coach, no clients...yum. Then I peeled myself off the sheets and turned on Martha. What a morning so far. And no, we don't have a TV in our bedroom. Having a TV in your bedroom is a bad, bad plan. I know, you want to snuggle up and watch together. I call BS. You want to lie there in silence and pray he's more into Survivor than you. Nope, not here. Got to make that a priority, so no TV. But I am not ab0ut to get preachy on you, just gently reminding you that I am better wife than you. Only kidding. Moving on. Ditto for the kiddos in your bed. Bad, bad plan. (Ashley, just how does THAT debate go on babycenter? hee hee)

Coach and I went here last night and walked around planning out 8500 sq. ft. house we are building in Atlanta. Yep, has 6 bedrooms and a full finished terrace level with a theater room (that's "basement" for you East Coasters) Also has a fabulous mudroom, keeping room with fireplace off the kitchen and, of course, a butler's pantry. At least that's what we told the folks working there! In reality, we were just killing some time before we went here...but I get Coach to pinky swear that I could get the new Whirlpool corner tub- the ACTUAL tub has heating coils in it and it has a shaving seat. Way, way need that.

More later, it's 11:07 am. I am feeling nap-ish...

I am Elle Woods and this is Bruiser Woods...

and we're both Gemini Vegetarians

...because I got the SNAP CUP! Or at least the blogging version of it. Ashley's Closet awarded me this, she clearly is in love with me. I just need to print it and be-dazzle the crap out of it. Then we can pass it around at Chapter. (If you don't know what the heck I am talking about, you were either not in a sorority or you've never seen Legally Blond. Either way, I'll still be your friend, but at least rent the movie?! I should really require you to own it, but I'll cut you some slack.) Do not, under any circumstances confuse the "Snap Cup" with the "Bend and Snap," that's a horse of a totally different color. Another topic for another post. But, we'll get there, add it to your syllabus.

So, in honor of my honor...today's Karaoke Song of the Day is:

The Snap Cup Song...

snap cup time

snap cup time

gather ye round friends and foe

together united and bound

pass it to your neighbor instead of blowing up

and we'll find harmony and love in the old snap cup

And here are my "snaps", pass them on:

Snaps to M Lemon for being so damn listen-y. She just listens the best.

Snaps to STK for having such a rockin' skinny body after 3 babies.

Cooler Online

Took some buyers out tonight, and they made an offer on their first house. I think those are my favorite kind of clients. They do require more help and have more questions, but they are genuinely excited. Me, I am so burned by the moving every 3.4 seconds, I no longer give a rat's patoot about the house. Whatever, give me 4 bedrooms and a fence to keep the minis in, whatever. Have the movers dump our crap in the appropriate rooms, I'll make the list of what they broke. Send me the check for the damages and I'll hire a painter. By day 4, we're moved and moving on. Hey, no guarantee how long we'll be anywhere, might as well get over it. Uh, yeah, just like this last move. Super job, Clemsongirl. I only needed a wee bit of medication and a therapist with a very very open schedule. But almost a year later I am still here and you're still reading, so I guess I came out on the other side OK, right?

Coach and I went to dinner tonight at 10pm, because we can. No really it's because that's what time I got home. I chugged an Amstel Light in order to smother the bitch in me that was attempting to get out. For some reason, I was in fighting mood tonight, no reason, just crabby. But, lucky for Coach, we ran into a former player of his from Clemson and my bad attitude was diverted. Dodged a big one there, Coach. Lucky you, I was ready to rumble over any old thing. Instead, I devoured a black and bleu burger and got to a better place mentally. But, I might kick his ass on Thursday, you just never know...I am capable of just about anything.

Completely non sequitor, but...

Not that there's a chance any of us online mommy bloggers are BSing about our lives, (hel-lo? we'd make the stories much more glamorous! duh), but this song is HILARIOUS and it made me think of all of you. Click here to hear:

Karaoke Song of the Day: (click on the link, then click on ONLINE)

http://www.cmt.com/artists/az/paisley_brad/1544217/album.jhtml
I work down at the pizza pit
And I drive and old HundaiI
still live with my mom and dad
I 5'3 and overweight
I'm a Sci-fi fantatic
Mild athsmatic
Never been to 2nd base
But there's a whole nother me
That you need to see
Go check out MySpace
Cause online I'm down in Hollywood
I'm 6'5 and I look damn good
I drive a Mazarati
I'm a black belt in Karate
And I love a good glass of wine
It turns girls on that I'm mysterious
I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious
Cause even on a slow day I can have a three way
Chat with two women at one time
I'm so much cooler online
So much cooler online
I get home, I kiss my mom
And she fixes me a snack
I head down to my basement bedroom
And fire up the mac
In real life, the only time I Ever even been to LA
Was when I got the chance with the marching band
To play tuba in the Rose Parade.
Online I live in Malibu
I posed for Calvin Kline, I've been in GQ
I'm single and I'm rich
When you got my kinda stats,
it's hard to get a date
Let alone a real girlfriend
But I grow another foot
And I lose a bunch of weight everytime I log in
Online I'm out in Hollywood
I'm 6'5 and I look damn good
Even on a slow day, I can have a three way
Chat with two women at one time
I'm so much cooler online
Yeah I'm cooler online
I'm so much cooler online
Yeah I'm cooler online


Who would you be online?

Getting your...

collective panties in a bunch are we? Good-ness. Stop emailing me those death threats. It's not encouraging me to post. So sorry I have been MIA for a few days, it's just been so relaxing sans the minis. Love them to the ends of the earth, but have been thoroughly enjoying the break. I felt so bold and empowered when I left the OPI polish on the coffee table after touching up my pedicure, when the minis are here I have to practically put it in a gun safe. Not that they couldn't access one of those, puh-lease. These are boys we're talking about.

Granny has been taking them to do all kinds of fun things, museums, restaurants, shopping...God bless her.

Worked yesterday for a few hours and went out for sushi. Spent a few hours shopping and literally tried on everything that the mall had to offer. Very exciting to see that tunics are one of the new trends for Fall. Every store had some version of them, and I picked up this one. Very cute.

So every coach worth his weight is in town for these 2 weeks for a tournament (recruiting) and Coach has been chatting with all his "buddies". The recap of these conversations is both mind-boggling and freaking hilarious.

Coach: Yeah, so my wife went back to work after 7 years at home.

Other Coach: Huh. What's that like?

Coach: It. Sucks. She's in charge of the house and the kids and now she's the breadwinner, too.

Other Coach: What sucks about that?

Coach: Well, pretty much now I'm her bitch. Gotta go, she needs her feet rubbed.

Karaoke Song of the Day: Honey I'm Home by Shania Twain

The car won't start-it's falling apart
I was late for work and the boss got smart
My pantyline shows-got a run in my hose
My hair went flat-man, I hate that
Just when I thought things couldn't get worse
I realized I forgot my purse
With all this stress-I must confess
This could be worse than PMS
This job ain't worth the pay
Can't wait 'til the end of the day
Honey, I'm on my way
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Honey, I'm home and I had a hard day
Pour me a cold one and oh, by the way
Rub my feet, gimme something to eat
Fix me up my favorite treat
Honey, I'm back, my head's killing me
I need to relax and watch TV
Get off the phone-give the dog a bone
Hey! Hey! Honey, I'm home!
I broke a nail opening the mail
I cursed out loud 'cause it hurt like hell
This job's a pain-it's so mundane
It sure don't stimulate my brain
Hey! Honey, I'm home! I'm home, that feels much better

Home Alone

Damn. I mean that as in the good damn. Empty house. Quiet house.

R and J, can I just start using their names? Really, I just posted that I am home alone for all the crazies in ATL to come and get me, so I think we are past that point, yes? Starting over...

Ryan and Jackson are officially at Granny Camp. We drove to Lexington yesterday and met them. Took the minis HERE while we waited for my parents to arrive. Then we explored Lexington a bit and had dinner in Victorian Square. After breakfast this morning at The Crack House, aka Cracker Barrell, we went our separate ways. Me with an empty mini van and iPod blaring Ticks by Brad Paisley, and the grandparents with a car load of boys and the gear associated with said boys.

Wow. Stopped at a couple of outlets on the way home and bought nothing except a 1/2 & 1/2 tea from McDonald's. Surprisingly, they don't screw up sweet tea. Ooooh, that reminds me I also listened to Cravin' Melon on the drive back, remember that song, Sweet Tea? I remember thinking that Doug was about one million years old when they played at Tiger Town, but looking back, he was probably only late 20's.

No funny today, just too relaxed. But amuse you I will these next 2 weeks, I promise. I'll have lots of free time to do so. In the mean time, try to find this comedienne on your tv. NOT YOU GRAM, she's really, really inappropriate. But you will laugh so hard you might fall over. Partly because she says exactly what you're thinking, and partly because you can't believe it's allowed on tv.

TTFN, I am off to ummm, well... what does one do with no children on a Sunday evening when Coach is gone? Ideas?

I Double Dog Dare You

Alright, there are several of you out there that I know who are reading but not blogging. I think you ALL need to be blogging. It's so easy, it's just like emailing and I'll even help you get set up.

So, to all of you listed below, your homework is to CONSIDER a blog, private or public and email me with your questions and concerns...consider it an online journal. It can be something you only invite your BFFs to read (ME!) or you include your whole family. The Hazletts is a GREAT example of one that is family-friendly (link on the right). Ashley's Closet is a GREAT example of one that is not so Granny-friendly, but perhaps my favorite blog out there! So it can have photos of you and yours and you can have it be invite only (avoiding cyber-kooks) or you can have it be a bit more anonymous. Just think about it, you don't have to post every day!

STK
Auntie L and the Divine Miss M
Nell
Lemon
Engaged to a Hasson
Cousin Dana
Lauren the Hottie (Coach's soon to be 2nd wife... ha ha NOT kidding)

Literally ran 84,000 errands today. And have approximately 84,000 left to do. Potentially may never get to them. Had library books that were 10 days overdue, to which R said, "Mom, that's really disrespectful." Crap. I created that monster, guess I have to live with it. I feel like such a scumball about them being overdue I put them in the drop box by the street. Then, when I go to check some out next time, I'll just blame the lateness on Coach. He'll never know. Except he does occassionally read the blog...damn. Sorry, Coach, sometimes you have to take one for the team.

Countdown, T minus 1 day to Granny Camp...

Independence Day

4 words;

GRANNY. CAMP. STARTS. SATURDAY.

Now that's Independence...

I am meeting Granny and Papa in Lexington to spend the night and hand off the minis. One of my BFFs is going to meet me there (I hope!) so we can visit as well. Now, it may have seemed fairly exciting for ole George Washington to establish Independence from the Brits, but really, they were all adults! It's not as though there was any hiney wiping or timeouts involved while we were colonized. So, you may call that whole 1776 adventure a "Revolution", but I call no children for days on end a real coup.

Today's Karaoke Song of the Day is my rendition of Yankee Doodle, same tune...

Yankee Mama went to Lexington, just to meet the grandparents.

Stuck a feather in her cap and called it independence.

Yankee Mama is childfree, Yankee Mama and the Coach

Yankee Mama keep it up and pour the margaritas...

Supermom and the Conversationalist

OK. So, took the minis to the free movie again today, which was Happy Feet. It was surprisingly funny. I'm considering even checking out the soundtrack. Then the boys had a playdate at our house which went great. Only 1 minor altercation and it was between my children, shocker.

This evening Coach was home relatively early, like 7:30 ish so I went to get groceries without the minis and wearing my iPod. Nothing better than picking out yogurt listening to Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado. Not much of a choice than to go shopping since the other option was having canned pineapple rings spread with peanut butter, rounded out with a nice glass of pickle juice to drink. Seriously, it was ridiculous.

Coach was pleasantly surprised when I returned home with burgers and grilled them while he chatted with a recruit. I use the word "chatted" rather lightly because he is, in fact, a boy. So the conversations with recruits usually go something like this; of course I only hear Coach's end of the conversation, but I don't imagine I am missing much from the 17 year old on the other end of the line. (who is probably riding around in a brand new SUV that costs roughly the same amount as our home since his parents have now realized that with a baseball scholarship looming, they need not pay for college)...

Coach: Hey, (insert recruit's name). Coach E here. How's it goin' ?"

Coach: Good, good. Gettin' alot of playing time in (insert hometown)?

Coach: Good, that's good. How's the arm? (it's all about the pitching, duh)

Coach: Yeah, yeah. Been there man. Try to long toss a little bit every other day...yep yep. (no idea what the hell this all means, but evidently it leads to "throwing cheddar" which is supposedly a good thing).

Coach: So, uh, how's (insert recruit's girlfriends name) doin'?

Coach: Good, good. Hey, uh, looking forward to signing you. Hey man, if you need anything, call me. See you in the Fall.

Incredible conversationalists those boys, huh? No lie, I talk more in depth with my barista every morning at Starbucks. (BTW, the manager at my Starbucks of choice calls me "Supermom!" He also calls out my drink to the barista like this : Venti, Extra Hot, Nonfat Chai, One shot. And a valium for SUPERMOM!" I can't decide if this makes me laugh or infuriates the fire out of me. For now, I'm thinking... amuses me. At least he writes Jennifer on the cup, not Supermom. But I am, clearly, Supermom. Whatever.

Must give a quick shout out to my God Daughter, Princess M who started walking this week. Tell your Mommy you need a pair of celebratory shoes. Pink, of course. MWAH!

Tagged by Kelly-Bee

So Kelly-Bee and the Boys did a post reminiscent of Oprah's Favorite Things episode, so here are mine...

Queen Helene Mint Julep Mask - laugh if you want, but it is AMAZING! Dries the crap out of, shall we call them, "bumps?" and makes the rest of your face smooth, and BONUS, it smells like the Carolina Cup!

Brighton's Lacey Sunglasses. They work like Blue Blockers without being Grannyish.

Gap longsleeve favorite t- it's well, a favorite. Nuff Said.

Touch of Pink by Lacoste. Smells like a shower.

Palm Tungsten E2- rocks. Love it. Get one, be cool like me.

Clemson Tiger "talking" sandals, leave a tiger paw in the sand!

Uh, yeah. This straightening iron is the only thing between me and Diana Ross.

Bare Escentuals Well Lit and Back Lit...for those of us who are past our 20's, it's a miracle. Costs about $84,000, but when I use it, I get carded...

Modal rayon Gilligan and O'Malley lounge pants. Seriously the most amazing $12.99 you will spend in your entire life. I promise. And the best part? They don't fade, EVER.

Tagging: In the Life of 5 yr olds, Suburban Magnolia, Ashley's Closet, Elizabeth, From Russia with Love and MNSDH. Get Busy.

"I wish I were...

a monster whiner weiner, that is what I really want to be
for if I was a monster whiner weiner, everyone would be in love with me."

The Oscar Mayer Weiner song, sung by J, age 4.

Doing a 180

Just a quick minute to check in. What happened to my weekend of NOTHING? It turned into 2 trips to the grocery store, a SuperTarget run, 2 stops at Verizon to replace the cutie pink phone that keeps breaking, car wash, a baby shower, 2 showings, a listing and a sale...whew...and it's only Sunday morning.

I am off now to meet with a client and a builder then to a listing appt. WOW!

But the really big news is this....

COACH WAS OFF ON SATURDAY AND SUNDAY! What?! And NO, he didn't get fired! I can't believe it. Have I mentioned how much I love Georgia lately?? And and and DRUMROLL PLEASE....he replaced my dryer! Words can't express how turned on I was. Seriously, to those of you who have heard the dryer while on the phone with me, you know that it sounded like a cat fighting with a smoke alarm. No more, new dryer installed while I was at work. Love it, love him, love laundry...today at least.